Farming Humour

Here you can find some links to some great parody videos, blogs and memorable quotes from yours truly......

For All the Dairy Framers Out There:

The New Hit "Where Them Cows At"

Where Them Cows At from Volt on Vimeo.

 If Farming Were A Subject:

Being at University I got used to taking a lot of 101 subjects in First year, and so thanks to an idea from Michael over at "The Farmers Way of Life" Blog (Link: http://farmerswayoflife.blogspot.com/), I thought I too would come up with a 101 Guide to Farming, feel free to pitch in any thoughts and suggestions, I'd be happy to add them......

Farming 101

1. No matter how dry the grass looks, wearing your new suede RM Williams shoes across it is never a good idea - Generally it's a lot wetter than it looks.
2. Never let the Dachshund steal you boots and leave them for you to collect on the other side of the lawn- Especially if it's winter, -4 and you've just had a frost set.
3. No matter how small the mob looks, always pack a spare pair of overalls when you are preg testing the heifers- By the second one a strategically placed tail and gloved hand will result in a very messy and destroyed shirt.
4. Cow crap can, does and will bounce of any surface- Concrete, dirt and mud: Learned this all to easily at dairy placement.
5. Gumboots are the equivalent of water-ski's/ice skates on a wet concrete walkway when you're chasing after that one stubborn heifer- Again lesson learned the hard way on dairy prac, Degree of difficulty - 7, Timing - 10 and Execution - 8. Lesson Learned: Always pack a spare pair of overalls/clothes.
6. Patience is truly a virtue
7. A soak in Napysan will remove any agricultural stain from cattle crap to grease.
8. Anything smaller than 80kg is a microorganism - Learned from a cattle lecturer.
9. Electric fences will ark, do not assume that because you are wearing gloves they won't.
10. Do not sit on the fence in the foal yard - the cheeky little buggers will bite.
11. The gate to the feed shed might look like Fort Knox but give it time and the brood mare will find a way to get in.
12. The house cat can turn the laptop on when it wants something warm to sleep on.
13. A hanging role of wire makes for an amazing replacement antenna for the radio. - Wonderful reception.
14. No matter how clean and tidy it looks the dust from the shed will always come back and rest on a strategically placed iPod - Never a good thing.
15. When the ladder won't reach then the bucket on the tractor generally will.
16. The mulberry tree next to the stallion paddock is never a good thing for white rugs to be around.
17. There is not a problem that: Bailing Twine, Gaffa Tape, WD-40 or a 10cm piece of plain wire won't fix (select appropriate, see graphic below)
18. To a cat, bookwork & assignments is nothing but a distraction or toy.
19. The only freak wind gusts to hit only occur when you are halfway down the back paddock only to realize you have left the office windows open.
20. To a horse a flex tub is the greatest toy around.
21. If you can't remove a stubborn steel picket, the combi bucket on the tractor is always a valid option.
22. If the road to town is flooded then a tractor is a valid way to get into town for a beer - I have seen this, I kid you not.
23. The gate on the hayshed presents a great challenge to the cattle & horses, one which they will readily accept and find a way to win.
24. Mulching the front gardens with scrap hay is never a good thing if you have cattle that like exploring.
25. Horses don't prune, they readily mulch.

For another great read, try The Farmers Way of Life: Golden Rules of Farming Parts 1-5 (http://farmerswayoflife.blogspot.com/2011/09/golden-rules-of-farming-part-5.html)

 Source: Facebook- Dodgy Technicians

So you've passed class 101, lets move onto some more advanced techniques......

1. Roundup when used appropriately is always a great substitute for weeding the garden.
2. Do not use point one for killing off bindi's in the grass or around the prized rose bushes. Will lead to a very unimpressed mother.
3. A fresh round-bale is nothing but a great play toy for foals, What do you mean I'm meant to eat it?
4. The higher the value the more likely it is to become the favourite chew toy for the Dachshund pup. - If it's RM Williams it gets moved to favourite by default.
5.  A blue cattle dog can work hard all day make decent threats and be rather imposing, however - get so much as a whiff of a thunder storm and she is trying to get in the house.
6. You can don't need the horse they are up at the fence trying to steal a pat (or your lunch), however when you need them its a different story - they generally pick the corner furthest away to sit in.
7. Crop duster pilots have right of way - they will buzz you while you're checking cotton for bugs, scares the crap out of you.
8. Beware the auto-irrigator, watch where its going and avoid it all costs.
9. Its always the nice, new & expensive toy that gets broken first leaving you to go back to the old one.
10. A Steiger Tractor can out pull a Cat D-5/6 Any day....
11. Never underestimate a horses uncanny ability to tell that it's rocks in the bucket you are jingling to get them to come to the fence.
12. When preg/testing AI'ing always make sure you have at least more than one glove left, punching through the fingers on the second cow in not the most pleasant experience.
13. It's always the sweet and innocent looking calf that you have to watch out for.
14. Always assume no matter how quiet, sweet and/or innocent the calf looks that it will give a well trained SWAT team a run for their money - Learnt that on Dairy Prac
15. Be mindful that the calves in the calving paddock will try and but you as you have one leg over either side of the barbed wire/hot wire. - Again Lesson Learnt
16. Calves will headbutt you if they want to suck on your fingers and you won't let them, where is totally their prerogative.
17. Always make sure the hot wire you have just pulled back is not earthing on the bolt that holds the gate onto the post.
18. The most awkwardly/precariously placed fishing line will always yield the biggest fish - its just retrieving it that's the challenge.
19. Holding welding glass over your eyes when welding in not a substitute for a welding helmet - It's not safe but it does make people look hilarious!
20. If it doesn't fit you're probably not hitting/kicking it hard enough.
21. Hitting, it bashing it and swearing at it don't actually constitute doing something about the problem, it makes you feel better and the repair bill bigger.
22. Be careful when using the whipper-snipper with the brush cutting blade around trees, it prunes really well.
23. You reading the paper or doing that bookwork does not take precedence over the cat.
24. That cat will use your laptop as a bed during winter as the heat vents in the keyboard provide great warmth.
25.  Coky's gates made from brand new barbed wire are nothing short of painful to use for the first six months.

If all else fails here's some humor from GraphJam.com A great and enlightening source of practical yet humorous data analysis, enjoy: